Spontaneous Second Thought

I feel awkward when people talk about my father with me. If I need to talk about it I will bring it up, but I absolutely hate other people bringing it up to me. Don't ask me how my dad is doing, don't ask me when the last time we talked was. Don't make a joke about how I don't like him, even if you think it would make me feel better. I never want to talk about it in public places and rarely want to talk about it to anyone anywhere. I don't really understand how people could feel comfortable asking me things like that anyway. Unless you were part of the life I had with my dad- I really don't see how you could ever understand what it means to me. My friends from my life before I knew all these new people understand exactly what happened and don't randomly ask about it for those reasons. It gives me a sharp pinch anytime its mentioned. For the sake of not making everyone uncomfortable I quickly respond and change the subject even quicker. I don't know why I got so passionate about this all of a sudden, but it happened last night and you will never know how unsettled it made me. Don't talk about my dad.
I miss my sister, I miss my mom, I miss Vincent and I don't know Felicity. I don't want to be reminded that I'll never miss my dad. This excerpt in from a book for teenagers, but that's okay because when I think of my dad, I am always an angst-y 16.


You Don't Know Me by David Klass

This storm could settle me down anywhere.
You don't know where I'll end up.
The good news is that you may have created my past and screwed up my present but you have no control over my future.
You don't know me at all.

I wish I could...no I don't

So. I was writing this personal yet vague (thats how I like it) blog about crossroads and feeling versus thought, then I came to realization. I need to choose the things that have not yet proven bad for me. Its as simple as that. If there is something that made me feel awful for a long time- why would I even want to get near that again? I feel silly looking back at all the times I would waltz right back into the same scenario that made me feel like shit the time before. Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over again, and expecting different results. So that was crazy Lena. Now that I'm approaching saneness, I'm gonna go for things that don't promise anything, but haven't proven to be self-destructive.

I wish I had the boldness to go into detail and really lay it all out there and move on...but I'm a little too polite for that. I would hate knowing that somewhere someone was revealing my private life to the random public. That would be weird. I also have this strange delusion that my family doesn't think I have sex. I know they know, but I think they don't...does that make sense? I think thats my baptist upbringing. You can live your life however you want to, as long as you give yourself enough time on Sunday to hide all of it before coming to church. And even if you know something awful about someone, you never say it to them, so they don't know we all know. But you know that after a while they figure it out. Yet, for some reason, we all just go on not talking and "not noticing". So being open even in a blog is a little contradictory to me.

That made me sound awful. I just keep most of my experiences confined to those with whom I experience with. I'm not just talking about sex; I'm talking about everything. So if people are curious about what kind of person I am, they can just spend time with me. Even looking at my nonspecific references I'm getting nervous. I just always imagine the most unlikely person reading this and casting judgment upon me. Although I guess that would be what should happen right? I just put everything out there that I do and enjoy and if someone doesn't like it, then at least there not friends with a lie right? I mean, really, what is the point in hiding who you want/like to be for the sake of others. Oh yeah, employment, references, respect for them. I guess I have the balance pretty okay. I'm honest in my public life of what I do in my public life- then I'm private about my personal life, because whose business is it but mine?

Now its time for my literary response to myself. This one is from a collection of poems compiled by Garrison Keillor. The book is called appropriately "Good Poems"

Secret Life
Why you need to have one is not much more mysterious than why you don't say what you think at the birth of an ugly baby. Or, you've just made love and feel you'd rather have been in a dark booth where your partner was nodding, whispering yes, yes, you're brilliant. The secret life begins early, is kept alive by all that's unpopular in you, all that you know a Baptist, say, or some other accountant would object to. It becomes what you'd most protect if the government said you can protect one thing, all else is ours. When you write late at night its like a small fire in a clearing, it's what radiates and what can hurt if you get too close to it. It's why your silence is a kind of truth. Even when you speak to your best friend, the one who'll never betray you, you always leave out one thing; a secret life is that important.

Stephen Dunn

Whats on my mind...1st blog

Hello, I'm Lena. I figure most people who might read this know me, but I'm gonna pretend you don't. You don't have to read all of it- you can just skim, I won't mind.

I'm a senior at Columbus State University in Georgia fervently pursuing a Theatre performance degree. Acting is the center of my life, I love it and want to chase after it for the rest of my life. I get defensive about the arts and feel like American education is headed in a dark direction by ignoring the beautiful benefits of creating generations with out a true appreciations for the fine arts. In every tyrannical society, the arts were their first target.

As far as family goes, it gets a little complicated. I don't really like opening up about it-unless I'm tipsy. I will say I have a wonderful sister who is stronger than I had ever anticipated. I have an adorable nephew who could kick your nephews ass, as well as a fairly new niece who is already a ball of cute with a ton of attitude. I love them and feel so lucky that I'm part of that beautiful family. I have a great mother who gave everything she was into raising my sister and I. I'm only beginning to understand how much of herself she sacrificed, and how hard it is for her to find a new place in the world. She was always a mother first, and now everything is different. My dad lives in my hometown in Blackshear, Georgia (po-dunk, boonies, country, etc.).

I'm getting really nervous about wrapping up my college career. My high school graduation, was the biggest turning point in my life to date...far a million reasons. Everything I had used to define myself was turned inside out and upside down. It was really hard to watch and even cause all those changes back to back. I still don't feel comfortable with all that happened; not that I don't like the changes, just that it was a lot of change. I feel like my college graduation is going to be just as unsettling. I can't deny I'm excited, but theres no way I can hide that I'm scared. There's something really isolating about leaving college. People look at you as a bona fide independent member of society, and I know I'm gonna be a pretty lame member for a while.

This past summer has done a lot to readjust my outlook on a lot. Ask any friend or member of my family my thoughts on having children and they would have said (almost instantly) "Lena hates kids"; which was true. I am spending most of this summer teaching at the Springer Opera House (state theatre of georgia). I'm the teaching assistant for Voice and Movement for the stage. Basically, all day long I am surrounded by hundreds of tiny people ages eight-ish to seventeen-ish. I'm still terrified of being a mother, its definitely not a goal of mine. Yet, seeing these awesome kids and how young people can be just as excited about life and theatre as I am, makes me want one of them to be my little buddy. It'd be cool to teach someone about everything-wouldn't it? They would have to take my word on everything for a large chunk of their life. The best part would be when they wanted to abandon everything I ever said, and I get to watch who they want to become. As long as I could teach them to get passionate about something and not let people take that from you...I'd be happy with who they were. Don't let this fool you into thinking I wanna have kids soon or even at all- I can't stress that enough. I just don't hate kids anymore, or at least as much.

I can't believe my longest paragraph was about children...weird. I love literature, as you can tell by the Mark Twain ripoff in my title. So I will leave you with my favorite poem. To me, its about inspiration and how if you are truly passionate your drive cannot be squelched.

You cannot put a fire out
A thing which can ignite
Can go itself without a flame
Along the coldest night

You cannot fold a flood
And put it in your drawer
Because the wind would find you out
And tell your cedar floor

Emily D.